just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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