Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
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