I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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