You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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