wakey wakey hands off snakey
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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