i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
