A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
