just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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