The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
