I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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