i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
