Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
