I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
