last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
