No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I need water and some morals
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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