Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
