You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
