if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
