the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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