Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
