I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
