So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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