Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
