i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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