Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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