Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
