Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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