I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
