im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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