just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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