i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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