You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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