Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
They are going to name an STD after you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
