Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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