What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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