I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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