You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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