I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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