Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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