omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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