how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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