So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
