I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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