I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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