Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
