I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
