I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
