Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
