Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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