I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I wish you could order shots online.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
